Artificial Blood

This artificial blood is a very recent development in the worlds of medicine and science. Researchers have created artificial red blood cells through the use of stem cells capable of transporting oxygen. This fake blood will be available for human study purposes in as little as 2 years. So what do I think about artificial blood? Well first let me say that I am all about existentialism. Of there are very different sides and views on the subject of existentialism. I choose not to pick a certain stand point and just go with whatever I feel like or I feel everyone is around is like in relation to me. On this certain matter, the matter of artificial blood which will most likely lead to other artificial body fluids, organs, and systems, I am all for it. The further we get from the olden days, the better, because those days were the worst! No TV, no internet, no light bulbs, no electricity: this is a list of reasons why those times were totally lame compared to the modern age. The further we get from really "existing" the closer we get to my fantasy of a real life iRobot happening and the hero being myself. So keep working on artificial stuff, everyone! I like it!

The "Invention" of Free Speech

Today I am going to talk about the "invention" of freedom of speech. I had the opportunity, thanks to my kind and beautiful creative writing teacher, to sit in and listen to a few heated debates regarding controversial subjects. These debates were an assignment for English class. This made me think. The idea of people arguing with each other for a grade in school sounds rather strange: everyone having different views and getting to express them openly. It's a wonder to think how things have changed since our founding fathers wrote those words regarding American's free speech policies. This invention has no doubt helped form our country become the thriving "super-power" it is today. This may, in fact, be one of our nation's, and possibly world's, greatest inventions to date.

Go America!

Actually, now that I think about it, it's probably not one of our world's greatest inventions. It's certainly not one of the most useful. It's good, though. Freedom of speech is good.

Panoramic Ball Camera

 This revolutionary camera may change the way we take pictures forever. It is in the shape of a ball with multiple lenses on every face. The ball is designed to be tossed into the air and snap a picture as it peaks. You get a full shot of everything around you 360 degrees! Let me tell you what I think about this. I think it's great for a variety of purposes. Like, for instance, if you see a nice lookin' lady or fella pass by you can quickly whip out your ball and toss it up into the air to get a picture of your could-be girlfriend or boyfriend. The Panoramic Ball Camera: great for stalkers! The camera would also be great for defending yourself against stalkers. If you saw someone take out there Panoramic Ball Camera and toss it into the air and you assumed they were taking a picture of you, you could take out your Panoramic Ball Camera and throw it at them. The ball is coated with material to make it nearly indestructable!

The Floating Noah Survival Capsule

The Floating Noah Survival Capsule is a brand new safety device created in Japan. The Noah is designed to protect you from fire or flood. Models in development can accommodate up to 12 adults, but the majority of models ready for use today have room for 4. The Noah includes a porthole, air vents, and a bright yellow exterior so the capsule will be at maximum visibility to rescuers. Well, Japan, let me tell you what I think. I like it. A lot. First of all, it looks like a new, modern, yellow version of a giant pokeball. I love Pokemon! And I love thinking about all the people popping out of these capsules like real life Pokemon! Only when they actually pop out they'll probably be all distraught and angry from whatever disaster they had just endured rather than really excited and happy with those cliche Japanese anime eyes where they're just lines like they're squinting or something but they actually look really happy. They wouldn't be very much fun to play with. Second of all, it's something no one will ever buy or have, and if people do eventually buy it, it would be really cool just sitting in their house. By then everything will probably look a lot different though, like really futuristic and white and silver, so it probably won't look as cool then. 
I believe that the Floating Noah Survival Capsule is a marvelous invention. Keep up the good work, guys!

Doggie Porthole

This week's invention is the Doggie Porthole by Hammacher Schlemmer. It's designed for the curious pooch wondering what's on the other side of the fence. Now, given this ingenious invention, you may assume that I will spend my time bashing this invention and its inventor because of its faults or, perhaps, ranting about some slightly off-topic subject matter concerning my own ideology and opinions, but don't jump to any conclusions. Let me tell you what I really think of the Doggie Porthole. I think it's more or less a clear plastic bowl screwed onto a fence. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. Quite frankly, I think it's a brilliant way for wealthy dog owners living in a gated (and fenced) community to let their carsickness-prone canine see a little more of the world. Granted, this invention is only valid for that small and select minority, but so what? Isn't that how all inventions start out? Not everyone was able to use the light bulb when old Benny Franklin first created it, but now it's an extremely common everyday item. I think we should all aspire to one day own a Doggie Porthole; to one day live in a suburban gated community and own a dog, but be too busy all the time to walk him. Isn't that the American dream, after all? I believe it is.
In conclusion, the Doggie Porthole is the American dream and we, I at least, will continue to chase that dream.

The Sleepbox

The Sleepbox is a device invented by the Russian architecture group Arch Group. It was designed as a safe haven for busy travelers who need to catch up on sleep in an airport or train station. Inside the Sleepbox there is a bed, a television, and other amenities depending on location. You can rent a box for anywhere from 15 minutes to a few hours. So what do I think of this new invention? Well, I don't think much of it. "And why is that, Ej?" a reader asks. Well, my dear appreciated reader, I don't think much of the Sleepbox simply because it was designed by the Russians. Everybody knows that anything Russia can do, America can do better. So why are we settling for this meager attempt of a resting area in an airport when one of us Americans could create a far more substantial version? That question is best directed to America's lazy inventors. The cool things are being invented in Japan, all we're making are boring iPhones and mp3 players. Let's think back to a time when America was the number 1 contender in the world-weight class; when Russia was competing but always coming in 2nd. Those were the days. The Russians would send a monkey into space and America would come in and one-up them by launching a real animal into orbit- a man. Now, I know some of you may object stating that monkeys are, in fact, real animals. Well, I don't know much about scientific-ology, but I do know a lot about box office hits. And if Rise of the Planet of the Apes has taught me anything, it's that primates are far inferior to mankind so long as you don't acknowledge their intelligence and/or use them as Alzheimer's medication research projects. The Russians, obviously, did acknowledge a chimp's intelligence by sending one into space, which therefore makes them inferior to primates. Now chew on that one America; you are being out-invented by a bunch of beings inferior to monkeys. Inferior to monkeys. The bold italics should help reinforce just how much the greatest country in the world has digressed.

"But, Ej, surely the greatest country in the world can't be the greatest country in the world in every subject matter and area of the endless list of possibilities of things to be greatest at. Right?"

Well, yes, I suppose that is right. I must have overlooked that part. My apologies.

The Voice Stick

This week's invention is the Voice Stick, a device that enables the sightless with the ability to read. This invention is used by plugging in the headphones attached to the stick so you can hear a friendly voice read you the text you are scanning over. Scan the stick over any form of text (Newspaper, books, mail, business cards...) and the words will be read to you. The Voice Stick was designed for blind people to be able to read forms of text other than braille. All buttons on the stick are, however, labeled in braille. Now, I know it is difficult to find braille these days, but don't you think that maybe we're giving a little too much power to the impaired? Blind people already reap enough benefits, such as: getting to take dogs into places labeled "No Dogs Allowed," and there are others. With all the perks blind people enjoy, I am seriously considering losing my sight in some horrid way that will make a great pick-up line in the future. I'm telling you, America, the more convenient we make life for the impaired, the more they will believe they are actually one of us. It's like in the movie iRobot when the robots become too able and too smart and threaten human existence. Luckily, there was a brilliant, heroic black man who rushed in and saved the day. Am I the brilliant, heroic black man in this situation? I can't say so myself, but yes, I am. Watch out, Will Smith, because in  a world where the blind empire is on the rise, Ej Kruser will be your savior.
Now, as you've probably realized I have nothing against the blind and wish them luck on their meteoric rise to power. The Voice Stick should do wonders for the vision impaired and perhaps someday, a blind person my even be able to read this blog.