The Sleepbox

The Sleepbox is a device invented by the Russian architecture group Arch Group. It was designed as a safe haven for busy travelers who need to catch up on sleep in an airport or train station. Inside the Sleepbox there is a bed, a television, and other amenities depending on location. You can rent a box for anywhere from 15 minutes to a few hours. So what do I think of this new invention? Well, I don't think much of it. "And why is that, Ej?" a reader asks. Well, my dear appreciated reader, I don't think much of the Sleepbox simply because it was designed by the Russians. Everybody knows that anything Russia can do, America can do better. So why are we settling for this meager attempt of a resting area in an airport when one of us Americans could create a far more substantial version? That question is best directed to America's lazy inventors. The cool things are being invented in Japan, all we're making are boring iPhones and mp3 players. Let's think back to a time when America was the number 1 contender in the world-weight class; when Russia was competing but always coming in 2nd. Those were the days. The Russians would send a monkey into space and America would come in and one-up them by launching a real animal into orbit- a man. Now, I know some of you may object stating that monkeys are, in fact, real animals. Well, I don't know much about scientific-ology, but I do know a lot about box office hits. And if Rise of the Planet of the Apes has taught me anything, it's that primates are far inferior to mankind so long as you don't acknowledge their intelligence and/or use them as Alzheimer's medication research projects. The Russians, obviously, did acknowledge a chimp's intelligence by sending one into space, which therefore makes them inferior to primates. Now chew on that one America; you are being out-invented by a bunch of beings inferior to monkeys. Inferior to monkeys. The bold italics should help reinforce just how much the greatest country in the world has digressed.

"But, Ej, surely the greatest country in the world can't be the greatest country in the world in every subject matter and area of the endless list of possibilities of things to be greatest at. Right?"

Well, yes, I suppose that is right. I must have overlooked that part. My apologies.

The Voice Stick

This week's invention is the Voice Stick, a device that enables the sightless with the ability to read. This invention is used by plugging in the headphones attached to the stick so you can hear a friendly voice read you the text you are scanning over. Scan the stick over any form of text (Newspaper, books, mail, business cards...) and the words will be read to you. The Voice Stick was designed for blind people to be able to read forms of text other than braille. All buttons on the stick are, however, labeled in braille. Now, I know it is difficult to find braille these days, but don't you think that maybe we're giving a little too much power to the impaired? Blind people already reap enough benefits, such as: getting to take dogs into places labeled "No Dogs Allowed," and there are others. With all the perks blind people enjoy, I am seriously considering losing my sight in some horrid way that will make a great pick-up line in the future. I'm telling you, America, the more convenient we make life for the impaired, the more they will believe they are actually one of us. It's like in the movie iRobot when the robots become too able and too smart and threaten human existence. Luckily, there was a brilliant, heroic black man who rushed in and saved the day. Am I the brilliant, heroic black man in this situation? I can't say so myself, but yes, I am. Watch out, Will Smith, because in  a world where the blind empire is on the rise, Ej Kruser will be your savior.
Now, as you've probably realized I have nothing against the blind and wish them luck on their meteoric rise to power. The Voice Stick should do wonders for the vision impaired and perhaps someday, a blind person my even be able to read this blog.

The Battery-less Remote

According to a reliable source streaming on the interweb, a new channel-changing device has been created. What is so special about this remote? It uses no batteries! Wow! The product is designed to use an electromagnetic induction coil and rotating gears to generate a current while the signal is transmitted using infrared light. Sounds pretty inventive, huh? I don't think so. Any idiot who gets ticked because he has a pair of dead batteries in his remote and is too lazy to get up and change the channel himself could have patented this pathetic thing! Electromagnetic technology? Come on! What is this, the 1820s? Now don't get me wrong, this remote has its upsides- for example, it uses no batteries and that means less batteries ending up in the landfills and polluting god's green earth. But this "magic" remote will also cause a decline in battery sales, disrupting our nation's fragile economy. Now you tell me, America, what's more important: A bunch of dirt and trees in a park or the kind of green that speaks to us all? As you've now probably realized, I am speaking sarcastically and have nothing but good things to say about this product and its inventor/s. Keep up the good work, guys!